'Logic could take you only so far, then you had to get out and hop.' The Last Continent, written by Terry Pratchett.

'But still, one of the most basic rules for survival on any planet is never to upset someone wearing black leather. This is why protesters against the wearing of animal skins by humans unaccountably fail to throw
their paint over Hell's Angels.'   The Last Continent, written by Terry Pratchett.

'Agness thought that black wasn't a good color for the circumferentially challenged.... oh, and that "cool" was a dumb word only used by people whose brains wouldn't fill a spoon.' Carpe Jugulum written by
Terry Pratchett.

"But you read a lot of books, I'm thinking. Hard to have faith, aint it, when you read too many books." Mistress Weatherwax, Carpe Jugulum, written by Terry Pratchett.

"MERE ACCUMULATION OF OBSERVATIONAL EVIDENCE IS NOT PROOF."  Death, Hogfather, written by Terry Pratchett.

"An actor is only as good as the lines that are written for him." John Lithgow, actor.

"Bite me." Crow T. Robot, MST3K

"For every inch of height over 5'5", one loses ten points of IQ." Marta Randall, 5'2"   [I agree - CJ, 5']

"A day without sunshine is like.... night." Harlan Ellison

"Listening is not the same as talking." Isaac Asimov

"I want revenge. I'll accept justice. Mercy is negotiable, but not very." Alexis A. Gilliland

"The future isn't what it used to be." Arthur C. Clarke

"A stupid man cannot learn, an ignorant man has not had the opportunity to learn, but a foolish man is able to learn, has the opportunity, and does not do it." Chelsea Quinn Yarbro

"You live and you learn, or you don't live long." Robert A. Heinlein

"The secret of the universe is this: the universe doesn't care. That part of the job is yours." David Gerrold

"Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored." Aldous Huxley

"Civilization is the way one's own people live. Savagery is the way foreigners live."  Octavia Butler [or, how the whites looked at Native Americans when the whites were the foreigners]

"A faith that cannot survive the collision with the truth is not worth many regrets." Arthur C. Clarke

"Faith strikes me as intellectual laziness." Robert A. Heinlein

"I'm a Doctor, not a magician." The Kennel Murder Case, 1933
"I'm a Doctor, not a magician." Dr. McCoy, Star Trek, 60s tv.

"The best way to keep money, whether you are rich or not, is to be careful how you spend it. You don't have to dress to the nines just because you can. Flaunting money is the best way to lose it." A friend of
my mom's who is rich. {congrats to Caleb for finding the typo here, especially since the below quote was one quote away. I moved the below quote to be closer to this one. This has been up since 2000, and
he's the only one who has emailed me about it - in Aug 2002. Irony. :-)  }

"Don't think that spelling counts? Have you ever watched Headlines on Jay Leno's Tonight Show? It's full of newspaper clippings that have misspelled words. If you don't want to end up a joke on the Tonight
Show, at least learn to use your spell checker."   Me

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, as is Love, Art, and Life in general. Just because you wouldn't find something  interesting or attractive doesn't mean it isn't. Judging someone or something  and rejecting it
because of your standards is fine, but don't be surprised if you find that you have been rejected by the standards of someone else. The better path to take is to not judge anyone or anything as unworthy, but to
enjoy the differences and uniqueness of everyone and everything." Me

"Multiple exclamation marks," he went on, shaking his head, "are a sure sign of a diseased mind." Rincewind, Rincewind the Wizzard, Terry Pratchett

'There may be a lot of things I'm not good at', thought Vimes, 'but at least I don't treat the punctuation of a sentence like a game of Pin The Tail On The Donkey... '    Sir Samuel Vimes, Jingo, Terry Pratchett

After all, when you seek advice from someone it's certainly not because you want them to give it. You just want them to be there while you talk to yourself.   Lord Vetinari, Jingo, Terry Pratchett

Someone's had an extra big bowl of Bitch Flakes this morning.  Maxim magazine, Sept. 2000

'Karaoke' is Japanese for 'tone deaf'.   Skittles commercial, Aug 2000 [it's not true, but it is funny]

Reality is always controlled by those who are most insane. Dogberts First Law of Business, Dilbert 1998.

From Terry Pratchett's book Thief Of Time, August 2001:
   "When in doubt, choose to live."
   "In life, as in breakfast cereal, it is always best to read the instructions on the box."

"Lie. It's amazing how often that works."  Lu-Tze, Thief of Time, Terry Pratchett.

"Our ability to hurt each other far exceeds our ability to understand each other." Mary Pipher, author,  The Middle of Everywhere.

"People who go to war over religion  is like people fighting over who has the best imaginary friend."  Richard Jeni, Comedy Central, 6 May 2002. [name corrected 24 Oct 2002; thanks to Freddy for letting
me know. :-)  ]

"If you snap a thong in a forest, and Bill Clinton isn't there to hear it, can you still topple a government?" Michael Feldman, host of "Whatta ya know"  radio show, 2001.

"When the going gets tough,... the tough get going, baby," Bucky. Rob: '...and when the going gets stupid, the stupid get annoying."  Get Fuzzy comic strip, 11 July 2002

"I respectfully decline the invitation to join your hallucination", Dilbert, Dilbert 2002 calendar for the month of July

[wife to husband] "Honey, I think I broke the wash machine."  [husband to wife] "Oh. How'd you do that?"  [wife to husband] "Sledgehammer."   Home Depot commercial. July 2002

" Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm. . . . As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands. One for helping yourself, the other for helping others." --
Audrey Hepburn, American Actress, Writer            added August 2002

"It's not Alzheimer's; it's Poltergeists."  My husband, looking for something he just set down but is not there now, and we hadn't moved it.       August  2002

"What we do in life, echoes in eternity."  Painted on the side of a 'message' barn in Colorado Springs, 2002

"It's too bad that stupidity isn't painful"  --Anton Szandor LaVey from this web site:  http://home.att.net/~quotations/stupid.html
December 2002

"Have I not established the fact that when women reached their sexual peak, young men look like breakfast?" Caroline Rhea, on her show, December 2002, after the audience didn't get her reference to a 20
year old man as being a 'pop tart'.

"A man who stands head and shoulders above his chest." Clive Anderson introducing Ryan Stiles on the British version of Whose Line, 1997.

"We gotta get the word out. Look, we're peaceful people and we have a long fuse, but at the end of the day our fuse is attached to a big ass bomb." Dennis Miller, April 10 2003, Daily Show on Comedy
Central.

"Doesn't France remind you of that friend who says he's busy and cant help you move when you ask for help, but calls you the next day asking if he can watch the game on YOUR big screen tv?"  Jay Leno,
The Tonight Show, 16 April 2003, on how France is now asking what they can do to help with Iraq. I hope President Bush told them they can bring the wine and croissants but nothing else. The only other
thing they're good at is making white cloth. The Iraqi's seem to have enough of those, tho.

"I'm somewhere between 30, and a Walmart greeter. And the older I get, the more I realize that people in their 20s know absolutely nothing about anything, they just look good. So, to all you 20 somethings
out there, strike a pose, and shut the f*&% up."  Jim David, Comedy Central Presents, April 2003.

"Congress decided that in order to save water, it would be a good idea to change the design of toilets, and forced manufacturers to make that change. What the idiots in Congress don't realize is, the law of
physics isn't bound to follow Congress' laws," my husband, on the water saving features of the new toilets, which require most users to flush twice, thus using more water than the 'old' design did with one
flush.         May 2003.

"Individual rights are not subject to a public vote; a majority has no right to vote away the rights of a minority." Ayn Rand, added June 2003. [I can think of a lot of comments to make about this quote, but I'm
trying to be nice this month so I wont]

"To be a man, puff out your chest, say 'dividends', and form an appreciation for freeform jazz." Patrick, on Spongebob Squarepants.  Aug 2003.

"I'm in favor of smoking. Anything that kills millions of French people cant be all bad."  Richard Jeni, 11 Aug 2003 on Tough Crowd.

"Have you seen my new show, "Black Eye from the Straight Guy?"  Jimmy Fallon to the Fab 5 on MTV 2003 Video Awards, August 2003.

"Major Stupidity and General Nonsense."  Names Squidward called Patrick and Spongebob on an episode of Spongebob Squarepants. 2003

"Now that you've reached 40, you're finally interesting to talk to." What Ted Danson said to Kelsey Grammer when Kelsey turned 40, as related by Kelsey Grammer on the Wayne Brady Show, 18 Nov
2003.

"Don't you have to be stupid somewhere else?" Sandy.  "Not until 4." Patrick.  Spongebob Squarepants. It's been on the air for some time, but I finally got the quote written down this time. Dec 2003

"It's a semi-circle with a bit added on, don't you think?" host #1.  "No, it's a circle with a bit cut out." host #2. The Curious Gardener, HGTV. Dec 2003

Spencer Johnson, author of 'Who Stole My Cheese?', and 'The Present', on the Today Show: "Simplistic means not enough; simple means just enough, nothing more."  Commenting on criticism of his 'simple'
books.

Heard on a news show, after Saddam Hussien was found: "The residents of Tikrit were demonstrating, chanting 'Saddam is in our blood!'. The American troops were chanting back: 'Saddam is in our jail!'."
December 2003

"And how much time do you really spend in the kitchen? Not much, I can tell you that." a man says to 3 or 4 women as they are looking at an RV at an RV show. The women all look at each other, and say at
the same time: "Most of my time is spent in the kitchen."  Guess that guy doesnt realize that when a family goes on vacation, and they are in an RV or a tent, the women do the cleaning and cooking, just like
they do at home. When women go on vacation, they want to stay in a hotel where all that is done for them. That's what a REAL vacation is.       February 2004

"Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his
intelligence."  Albert Einstein, as read on The Dail Grail. July 2004

"My own opinion is that belief is the death of intelligence. As soon as one believes a doctrine of any sort, or assumes certitude, one stops thinking about that aspect of existence. The more certitude one
assumes, the less there is left to think about... "   Robert Anton Wilson, "Cosmic Trigger", as read on The Daily Grail.  August 2004

The things that will destroy us are: politics without principle; pleasure without conscience; wealth without work; knowledge without character; business without
morality; science without humanity; and worship without sacrifice.  Mahatma Gandhi, as read on   http://www.dailygrail.com/          August 2004

"There are seven sins in the world: wealth without work, pleasure without conscience,  knowledge without character, commerce without morality, science without humanity, worship without sacrifice and
politics without principle."    Mohandas Gandhi   http://www.dailygrail.com/              September 2004

A Parable while wandering a deserted beach: At dawn, stagnant in my work, I saw a man in the distance bending and throwing as he walked the endless stretch toward me. As he came near, I could see that
he was throwing starfish, abandoned on the sand by the tide, back into the sea. When he was close enough I asked him why he was working so hard at this strange task. He said that the sun would dry the
starfish and they would die. I said to him that I thought he was foolish, there were thousands of starfish on miles and miles of beach. One man alone could never make a difference. He smiled as he picked up
the next starfish. Hurling it far into the sea he said, "It makes a difference for this one."  I abandoned my writing and spent the morning throwing starfish.   Isaac Asimov http://www.dailygrail.com/
September 2004

I do my thing and you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations And you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you, and I am I, And if by chance, we find each other, it's
beautiful. If not, it can't be helped.  The Gestalt Prayer, Fritz Perls http://www.dailygrail.com/
http://encyclopedia.thefreedictionary.com/Gestalt%20prayer         September 2004

"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires."  Susan B. Anthony (1820-1906) American social reformer, leader of
suffragist movement from Speech, Jan 1896; in Life and Work of Susan B. Anthony, vol. 4, ch. 16. by Shaw & Harper, 1902.      September 2004